Twenty Three Months later...... Wright's light still SHINES!!!

I have woken up every single morning for twenty three months praying it's all been a bad dream. I honestly still think of my boy every single second of everyday. And for those that wonder and those that ask .....NO, it has not gotten any better, easier, or less painful. I'm certain I drive some people crazy mentioning his name, recalling past memories or talking about our experiences in Cincinnati, but you see that is how I keep him with me, close to me...that is all I have of Wright now. All I have is sweet , sweet memories of his precious short life on this earth. I don't expect anyone to understand unless they have lost a child. I don't want you in this club. It's a club I stayed away from as long as I could and I hate being a part of more than anything. But let me say this, the people in this club are some of the sweetest, most sincere, caring, compassionate, understanding, strongest, trusting, non-judgemental, giving,  self less, most grateful and thankful people I have ever met.

Today is sort of a double anniversary day... Exactly two years ago today- November 17th our boy came home from Cincinnati after 15 long months. He was greeted by a fanfare of state troopers, fire trucks and police cars. Ironically like the Wallace Soccer Dogs had yesterday !! Go Dogs!! Tons of people in our wonderful community lined each side of the highway cheering my boy on as he led the parade waving in excitement that he was 
finally home!! To say he was excited was an understatement. He told Denny and 
me that he was scared everyone in Wallace had forgotten about him. That night in bed he grinned and said , "Mama they remembered me, they do love me!" He also thought all the Christmas lights on Main Street were just for him too!! He 

also went on to tell us that even though he was home it did not make him better. He said with the sweetest trembling voice that he would only get better when he went home to Jesus. We both cried and hugged for the longest time. Being at home those 6 days before going back to the hospital was different. It was like we were living on borrowed time. Thinking back it's hard to remember what we did those 6 days. I do remember planning our feast for Thanksgiving. Wright was such a planner and he loved to cook! He loved holidays. He had our Thanksgiving feast all planned out down to the white booties we were to put on our turkey's legs, Gigi's sweet potato pie, and the special pans and recipe for our cornbread. Not sure Denny, Hill or me will ever want to have a Thanksgiving 
feast again. I pray we will want to one day.


Just three days before Thanksgiving Wright was put in the hospital because 
gram negative rods were growing in his blood. By the time we got to Chapel Hill from NHRMC he went into septic shock and we were put into PICU. This event led to the horrible downward spiral of balancing antibiotics for bacteria and immune suppression for graft vs host disease. Is truly was a no win situation and Wright's body was already so tired and weak. Wright moved in with his number one hero - Jesus - twenty three months ago today.  Our lives changed that day forever ....but his light still shines everyday!! I see glimpses of him and feel him close so much. In the early morning on my rides home from work...just as the sun is peaking through.  From texts, posts, cards, emails or calls from  
nurses, doctors, preschool parents and teachers that loved my boy!! I get the best hugs from his preschool buddies when they see me. I love the way they are not afraid to yell "there is Wright's mama!" It makes me feel so normal for just a moment. I see dragonflies everywhere!! Even in places they really should not be.   He truly is everywhere and always close to me , especially when I slow my busy life down and look for him. 

**for those that may not know, Wright was peculiar about his bedroom light. The minute we got home Nov 17, 2011 he turned his bedroom lamp on. The lamp light still burns. It has never been turned off, the bulb never gone out or replaced. It's not some sort of special bulb. It's the same as all the others that have been replaced numerous times over the past 2 years.. I love that this light still burns....it gives me a peace I can not describe!

His light still shines bright and for that I am so thankful!!!

How do we find joy in this world?

This is how.....


 “To receive all with grace, then, with thanks, break the bread and pass it; move out into the larger circle of life and wash the feet of the world with that grace.

Without the breaking and giving away, without the bending and washing of feet — the communion service isn’t complete.

That’s what His bent body language preaches: The Communion service is only complete in service.

Communion, by necessity, always leads us into community.”

{~One Thousand Gifts}

The height of joy isn’t simply to be blessed — but to become the blessing.

The height of joy isn’t to have blessings actualized — but to become the actual blessing.

Not to be blessed with stuff — but to become the blessing in service.

Loving your enemies can break your heart and this is how you break free and Gospel-
love recklessly makes all the enemies friends



Wright's Empty Basket

Honestly, until this morning I have been dreading Easter. Easter, like ALL holidays, was a favorite for Wright. I know, I know, it is for most kids. But you see, Wright was NEVER like most kids. He was truly an "old soul". Most people that met him would agree. He moved to his own beat....he appreciated the little things, he saw good in everybody, he liked everybody, he enjoyed making people feel special, he was a gift giver and would create you a gift from his own things, he never expected anything in return, he was very thoughtful, he remembered everything you told him, he could keep secrets, he always let the other person go first, he found joy in everyday, he loved to laugh and to hear others laugh, he loved people that seemed different or had disabilities. He was quite protective over them. He would always tell Hill to be nice because that was the way God made them. My sweet Wright often told me when I was on a new diet to love my body the way God made it. He had a very soft spot for people that were homeless or hungry. He often made me do things that got me out of my comfort zone and put me in God's zone. This child was an earthly angel no doubt. I realize that more and more every passing day. Wright had a unique connection with God as far back as I can remember...He loved Jesus and he would often remind me with the most precious grin that Jesus loved him even more than me! Wow! His faith was amazing at such an early age. He visited with Jesus in his garden a few times that he told us about in his brief but oh so significant life.
 So it has been with great hesitation that we have discussed any plans for Easter, or any other holiday really.  It seems so natural to want to abandon old traditions and create new, but part of me feels that would be leaving Wright out.  He enjoyed everything about every holiday and would plan for weeks the activities and menu!! He made holidays a big deal at our house! I can see him flapping those arms with excitement right now asking me "how much longer now Mama?" 

Will we go to church, egg hunts, dye Easter eggs, or eat with our family? What were we to do with his Easter basket that he cherished so much? His basket, like Hill's, was made by his Mammy, my Grandma Sarah Rivenbark. Each year when we got the baskets out he would turn the basket upside down, dumping out all the grass, to find her sweet note, her signature and his name. He was so proud of his special basket.

How could I not get his basket out and place it beside Hill's. But this Mama heart breaks at the thought of his basket being empty beside Hill's and then it hit me!!!! EMPTY, EMPTY, EMPTY --his basket would be empty just like the tomb....
Wright's empty basket should not make us sad but rather happy for him that he has found new life, a new healthy body and is waiting with Jesus for us to join him again.

Those who live in the Lord never see each other for the last time.

                                                       -----German Motto

Please continue to pray for our family as we navigate this wilderness without our precious Wright. The most frightening feeling in the world is knowing this will never get better...our lives are forever changed, our future not what we planned, surviving only by the grace of God....living one day at a time.

Dear God, Creator of all, we thank You for the gift of life You gave to Wright!!! In all of our confusion and grief please help us to remember this Easter all the love and joy Wright brought to us. Guide us through all the choices and demands regarding our traditions for this season. Guide us to glorify You in all that we say and do. We rest in Your promise that we will see Wright again in heaven!! Amen.

Keeping Wright's plans......

I wish I could be someone else just for a day. Someone who has not experienced the deep hurt of loss I carry every single day. Everyday since Wright left, I am full of tears waiting to burst at any moment. So unpredictable. I don't pretend to think I am the only human on earth suffering or that my sufferings outweigh anyone else's. To each person, his pain is the worst. And I don't pretend to think because I have been dealt such a blow that my suffering is over...quite the contrary.
Pray for us as we enter the Spring without our Wright. He was so looking forward to Spring 2012. We had so many fun things planned. I am working hard to do everything we planned, but it will not the same without him. It will never be the same. A few of our plans.....cooking, baking, cooking which I actually enjoy now because I feel so close to him when I cook. Cooking for his Daddy and Hill is what he wanted to do more than anything and trying lots of new recipes. Thanks to Pinterest....this has been easy!  Running in the Flying Pig Race in Cincy in May. The route goes by the apartment we lived in and he enjoyed watching all the runners last year. It was his idea for the two of us to run this spring when he was better. In his memory, several awesome friends from Wallace will join us in May. I plan to eat at his fav restaurants while I'm there...just for him.. He loved Terry's Turf Club and The Senate.  Can not forget Bon Bonerie and Graeters while we are there. Denny will be working in our garden planting lots of cucumbers, squash and tomatoes per Wright's request. I will be busy planting the herb garden he wanted as well as planting flowers around the house. We have to go to the beach of course!!! Go to a Cincinnati Reds game.....Watch Hill play baseball and serve refreshments for the players.... He is going to keep us quite busy....There are so many more plans but I think this is a great start!!! His birthday is May 16th which quite honestly scares me to death. Not sure just yet how I'm gonna get through that. Gosh, I love and miss that boy with everything I have.

sweet memories

Its been three months since Wright moved in with Jesus. Seems just like yesterday he left, but then feels like forever since I held him, played with his new hair, smelled that sweet boy smell, heard his belly laugh, snuggled, planned so many adventures......

I feel we have been robbed of our future.....yet I feel we are so blessed!! Can you tell I live in a state of confusion? Thankfully, God understands our pain. We are just surviving the best we can ....a moment at a time.

In the picture below....our last night in Cincy....we had such big plans...so happy....no clue what was to come..such special tender moments, nothing could of prepared us for the pain... .thank you God for every single second with Wright!!!

 God knew these two would get me through tough days....My precious sweet Hill and Jolly Cocoa Biscuits...silly girl!!

God gave Hill the cutest personality that lights up the room and makes my heart melt!!!

I have been home with him the past two days, he is sick with strep. I have enjoyed our snuggling time! He misses his brother so. So hard sometimes to help him understand, especially when I dont. Grieving is hard, tricky stuff.

Please continue to pray for our family. I wish I could say things were easier or less painful, but its not. We are all grieving in our own unique way. Very different from one another. Thanking God for keeping at least one of us strong each day to pull the other two along.

Running my first 5k of the year, Lo-Tide at Carolina Beach in Wright's memory. Thanks for the friends running with us tomorrow....March 17th...exactly three months.

Searching.....

I do alot of reading these days, especially God's word. I have also been reading lots of books written by grieving parents....I am searching for answers to some of the toughest questions. Searching for comfort.....searching for understanding.....searching for peace....searching for how to help Denny and Hill.......searching to help myself......trying to survive one moment at a time.

 I feel so close to Wright when I am searching. It is at those times I talk to God and him the most. That is when I feel God's presence the most too. I feel I do not "fit" in anymore.  I feel like a stranger living in my world. I have been forced into the unimagineable. Being back in NC after being gone for 18 months is hard, period....even if Wright was with us....the transition would be challenging. Now, the three of us are trying to reconnect, while grieving. Not to mention, floundering around to find a new normal. Whatever that means. Being home is not fun anymore. Its a harsh reminder that someone is missing. Our family is broken. Its always been the four of us. Mama and her 3 boys!! Oh! I just miss him so much. It still takes my breath when I see his bright smile or smell is blanket.

While searching.....I came across this....

“When God moves us out of our comfort zone —- into places that are way bigger than us, places that are difficult, hard, painful —- that even hurt — this is a gift.

We are being given a gift.

These hard places give us the gift of intimately knowing God — in ways that would never be possible in our comfort zones.

We’re in Christ’s zone when we’re out of our comfort zone.

And the Holy Spirit, our Comforter, comforts us when we step outside our comfort zone. It’s only in the uncomfortable places that we can experience the tenderness of the Comforter.

I guess that is what God wants sometimes. For us not to "fit" in so that we can rely on Him. So we can accept His gifts.So we can grow and nurture a more intimate relationship with Him. He wants us out of our comfort zone so we can be in His zone.

So thank you God for all your gifts!

Thank you for sending us earthly angels everyday to guide us in our close walk with You. Thanks for pulling us along and encouraging us every step. Thank you for never leaving our side, especially the time we need You most!!!

When God moves us out of our comfort zone.....this is a gift!!

Things that make me Smile

Sweet memories of Wright's laugh, love for life and love for all people!

Knowing Wright is playing in the presence of Jesus. He can run and play with no limitations or fear of GERMS.

Playing with his best buddy Zack.

Thank you Jesus for precious moments and memories with Wright. Thank you for his 6 years and 215 days on this earth with his family. Thank you for the assurance of eternity with him and You!

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you ~~Matthew 6:33

 

HOPE

Today, HOPE is a verb- an action, defined as "a desire or wish"  - something we "hope" will happen.

The HOPE we have in God is a noun; its a possession and is used as a noun in the Bible many times. "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to give you hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11) and "My hope comes from Him" (Psalm 62:5). Its nothing we have to wish will come true; we just have to accept the gift. Hope is the truth that we have an eternity in heaven with God at the end of this life. Being filled with God's hope shows that you know how this story ends.

Each day, each moment , since Wright moved in with Jesus we are surviving by His Grace, living on Faith, filled with His Hope !